The Blog of kilyra

If you've read up on my blog at all, you'll see I'm supporting my significant other while he's at school.  Although we were moved down here by his company to manage a store that they shut down before the year was out - we were denied EI.  If you go to school and try to better yourself, you don't get any of the money you've spent a life paying into.  However, we can call them after he's done school if he wants to sit on his ass.

So everything falls on my shoulders.  Usually I do pretty good, but it's been getting frustrating lately.  I'm behind at work and just have a steady stream of stress here.  And now our finances suddenly got bad.  I just got paid on Friday.  I'm able to make rent, but when my student loans come out, I'm in the hole already.

I thought we were doing so good, and I've always had a bit of a cushion - even if it is just the over draft.  Not this time.  I've never been in this situation before.

When I realized on Sunday how bad it was, I admit, I broke down.  Anthony just got annoyed at me.  I'm sure he's feeling guilty and it prevents him from being comforting, but still.  Immediately he called up his parents (who actually owe us money) and explained what was up.  So I appreciate that he jumped in to help, but he spoke to me like I was a kid and half rolling his eyes with a "it's not that bad" comment.

Then we got company in last night and we all went to do a grocery run.  I need lunches to get through the next two weeks etc.  He pushed me into getting a bunch of stuff so he can make a big breakfast for them tomorrow. I want to be a good hostess but....THEN, while we're in the store, the company is pushing for a restaurant for supper.  Anthony tells me "It's really cheap, the two of them can eat for about $50!"  CHEAP??  That's CHEAP?!?!  So I just numbly nod.  "Fine, I'll pay for it" he says.  Out of the line of credit that is what we need to supplement our rent.  If we run out of that money, we can't make rent.  Lovely.

We get to the cash register and up pops our $56 bill.  I was hoping it was closer to $30.  I go through the motions, swiping my card, hoping hard that it is approved.  In the meantime tears are welling up in my eyes and my smile gets so shaky that I just have to go tight lipped instead to avoid sobbing.

Finally he gets it.  He goes and finds the guys and asks if we can just hit up Subway on the way home and they can go to the restaurant tomorrow on their own.  They had no problems at all.  Maybe he told them what I'm going through. At any rate everyone was really nice about it.

I'm terrified, frustrated, and depressed.  I hate being at work because I'm just drowning, I hate being anywhere else because I'm drowning there too.  I hate when we get company when we're in this situation because I don't want them to think it's always like this.  I hate that I have to try and keep my chin up, and I really hate that this all gets to me in the first place.

PS: after reading this over, it just dawned on me - my mom is heading into the neurologist on Thursday and I just found out last night.  It bothers me so much that I've already started to block it from my thoughts.  I want to be there for her but we're 16 hours apart.  I'm so numb.  Sorry guys, this is just the whiniest post ever.